Who needs boys when you can kiss scary pets?

All my life I've felt like this $h!t just has to be made up by someone. So maybe I'll at least make some people laugh by sharing this unfortunately true story.

The turtle's name was Joey, and he was an average size turtle  my sister caught from the stream beside my grandmother's house. I guess turtles can be somewhat acceptable pets. They're quiet, not too messy, and don't need much space or any crazy diet. Get them a decent size box, some water, some veggies, and they're pretty much set. At least for as long as a 12 year old's attention span will require keeping one as a pet. The only downside is, they're not exactly cuddly.

Cue the 5 year old little sister [that would be me] who likes to be cuddly with just about everything. This might not be too bad, right? Well....then factor in that my 5 year old brain decides, for god knows what reason, that I should kiss the unsuspecting little turtle. Most likely, Joey thought I was trying to crawl inside his shell and make him my lunch. So he does what any cornered [or shelled] animal would do: he bit my bottom lip, mid-pucker. And then he clung on like a limpet. So, being a small child, I'm kinda freaking the hell out. This turtle HURTS and he won't let go. So I'm screaming bloody murder, the turtle is terrified and just clamping down forever. Then my mom runs out of our house, dinner-making utensils still in hand, and on the phone with my grandpa. It takes her a minute to decode what exactly is going on, at which point she also starts freaking out. Conveniently, the phone is already in her hand and she's able to promptly call 911. The not so convenient part? That the 911 operators start laughing and calling to each other "This kid got bit by a turtle!" So, 911 was a 'No go' then.....In hindsight, we probably could've sued them and at least gotten some money out of the ordeal.

Damn hindsight.

After that amazingly helpful response, my mom goes to Plan B: call our manly mechanic neighbors from down the street, because they could probably figure out how to get the "box turtle" to stop biting me. Meanwhile, this turtle's been biting me for several minutes, no signs of loosening his death grip. I'm still sobbing, my mom's still spazzing, because she can't do anything. And by this time my  sister [the 12 year old mentioned earlier] has come downstairs to see what's the noise about, and is mortified to see me bothering her pet. Yep, Joey was definitely the victim in the situation. Feel the love!

Only about 2 minutes later, the cavalry arrives. In a big way.

We had one of those steep driveways you have to take slow, with a nice incline, a curve, and lots of gravel. Their van flying around the corner and ramping it was a pretty awesome sight, the probably could've taped it and used it as a BMX for Vans audition. After the nice skid and a fishtail, the van comes arcing to a stop, the side door is thrown back and here they come....Carrying heavy chains and clubs. At this point I don't know who looked more confused: them with their heavy assault kit, or us grouped around me and the turtle. Apparently a hysterical woman over a bad cell connection makes "box turtle" sound a lot more like "boxer." They came prepared to deal with a large, possibly rabid dog biting a small child. Not a supposedly docile pet reptile.Thankfully they had more sense than the emergency line operators, and quickly adjusted their plan of action. The chains were quickly dropped, traded for other less-memorable items like pliers. 

And so our drama continues: them trying to pry the turtle's jaws open, me trying not to scream in their faces, my sister yelling "Don't hurt Joey!" and my mom just generally watching and freaking out. Several minutes passed, which felt like hours instead, and they can't get the turtle to loosen his grip. At all. 

Plan C...Which I know neither PETA or I can be proud of, but which was at the point pretty much the only thing anyone could come up with. It involved my mom's best kitchen knife [the one she'd been holding all this time from her dinner-prep] and Joey. The only thing I can say is that his end was swift. After all these years, I can honestly say I'm sorry for poor Joey....

and I'm extremely sorry I ever kissed him.